Motherhood. Mommy. Mom. Oftentimes the sound of those words alone conjures up visions of delicate behavior, loving actions and all that women are proverbially made of: sugar, spice and everything nice. Moms are typically known as these miraculous meshes of unconditional affection, nurturing and support.

That is unless they’re not.

I’ve always found it so strange how many moms can dote on their children with love and care, yet when it comes to other moms, they can be so catty and stand-offish. At least, that’s been my experience with mean-girl moms. What provokes anyone who has been fortunate enough to deliver a baby to be a mean mom? I seriously don’t get it. I have several guesses, but they end at that: simple conjecture.

I think part of it could be postpartum insecurity. When a woman has a baby, she goes through so many changes that can affect her emotions. Her body changes, her friends change, her emotions change and swing… It’s one of the biggest life transitions a woman can undergo. Everything pre-baby is different, and these changes are anything but easy. But difficult doesn’t have to mean negative. Pregnancy is beautiful, and motherhood is a singular, unparalleled experience. I know from birthing two nine-pound boys that it can make or break you, and moments often arise which exceed challenging. But if a mom isn’t secure enough to ask for help, it can feel like she is drowning.

In that emotional state, sometimes the first inclination is to use snarkiness and abrasive language and behavior with people who haven’t gone through that exact experience. We’ve all reverted to this coping mechanism and internal “you don’t know how hard my life is” complex at some point or another. But I think if women changed that conversation and connected with other women in those moments, chances are they would have more of an instant bond because of the shared struggle. Sadly, many women haven’t learned to do that yet.

Whatever the cause(s), I know that I’ve witnessed the phenomenon since my days of being pregnant with my first son. As a naturally curious being, I would ask questions all the time–and I had SOOOO many questions. They weren’t necessarily questions that I wanted to ask my OB/GYN, but I did feel comfortable asking another mom or a friend who was a mom. I just didn’t have many of those at the time. Since my mom had never been pregnant, I didn’t have the luxury of asking her about certain things that were going on with me. So I became very reliant on the social mom crowd and looked for advice from anyone knowledgeable.

A few moms that I turned to answered a couple of questions, but 18 times out of 20, the response I typically got was a screwfaced mom with an attitude! I didn’t understand it. I still don’t! It’s as if older moms see childbirth as a military game, and new moms have to earn their stripes or something without any help. New moms still have to have the babies; giving up the “cheat sheet” won’t make taking that test any different. It will, however, help new moms feel more at ease with processes that no one went over. That’s invaluable to a mom and could certainly help curb any potential anxiety she might have before having a child. Who wouldn’t want that for someone else?

It definitely would have helped me. My body was changing in ways that NO ONE talked about. Body parts changed colors. Hair started falling out. When those things happen and no one prepares you for it, you freak out! At least, I did. I was full of anxious questions: is this forever? Is this supposed to happen? Will it go away? Why did that happen? Does every mother go through this? I felt alone and uncertain about so many aspects of my pregnancy. I know now that those things do naturally happen, and that things do return back to normal. But that knowledge didn’t come through the imparted wisdom of many mean moms I reached out to during my first pregnancy.

So what do you do when you can’t find what you need? You make it yourself. That’s what I did when I met T. Lopez, a mother who shared my questions, my insecurities and my experiences with mean moms. T was one of the only friends I could go to with any and every question about motherhood. Together, we felt it important to create MOM LIFE YO for the moms who had gone or were going through what we did as new moms. We decided to be the voices that talked about all of the unknowns. As expected, as soon as we began talking about these things, so many others who had questions immediately chimed in.

I think it’s time to let go of the mean mom mindset. Motherhood isn’t a competition. We shouldn’t be separated into “Been There, Know That” moms and the “Left Out League”. There’s no need for hazing. It costs nothing to support other moms and to help them be more confident, knowledgeable moms-to-be. I encourage all moms to let their guards down and allow genuine bonding happen between each other. We moms are unlike any other connected group on the planet. If we could take all that we’ve collectively gained from having children and pour that into the next generation of moms, I’m so certain that the next crop of babies born will be healthier and much happier.

And so will their moms.

Have you ever heard someone say that they felt as if they were born in the wrong decade or other period of time? While I can’t say that holds true for me, it has come to my attention that my ideas and beliefs about parenting seem to contrast directly with today’s standards. Everyone will have their own opinions, but a different perspective can sometimes be eye opening, so I’d love to share one of mine.

Raising children in 2017 means a myriad of things, but one of them that most of us can agree on is the disconnectedness that permeates our lives. We’re all doing our own thing, living in our own worlds. Each mom or dad parents the way they want, and everyone attempts to respect each other’s space because it’s the “polite thing to do.” When someone dares to violate these unspoken social rules, their actions are met with glares and disapproving words from other parents.

Exhibit A: the playground. Kids are running around being carefree and free-spirited while moms and dads watch from a close distance and talk amongst themselves. A mom notices a child (who is not her own) being a bit rotten to another kid and asks the kid to play nicely. The parent of the child who was reprimanded becomes irate and belittles the other mom, telling her to mind her own business and to never speak to her child again. This is a scene many of us have witnessed. You may even be one of the moms in the example!

Incidences like this one are much more commonplace than many realize in 2017, but I’m finding that my mentality as it relates to parenting leans much more toward a more ancient tribal stance. I say this because I read an interesting article some time ago written by a photographer who detailed things he learned about parenting while shooting for National Geographic magazine, and a few things he said truly resonated with me.

The first thing was that while photographing a particular tribe, he learned that babies were almost always strapped to someone. It was extremely rare to ever see a baby not attached to a person in the village. Even more fascinating is that a great deal of the time the person with the baby was not the baby’s mother. If a mom needed to go off and gather things or do some task, it was not unusual for her to hand the baby to another member of the tribe, even if that person wasn’t a direct relative. You see, the babies belong to the village; they are everyone’s child, and each member shared the responsibility of taking care of and nurturing them.

The other thing he mentioned was that the babies rarely cried. Imagine that! He said that the babies seemed calm and content much more so than he’d ever seen, and that when they grew older they were much more independent than children back home in the states. I was floored by all of it. I also felt very connected to this way of life.

I speak a lot about having a mommy tribe, but that isn’t just catchy buzzwords and soundbites. I loathe this 2017 idea that being a strong woman means you have to do it all, all the time, and all alone. We carry so much guilt if we so much as think of hiring a nanny or enrolling a kid into daycare. Don’t even get me started on the feelings that wash over a mom if her child actually loves the nanny! Why, that’s just outrageous and shameful! Only, IT ISN’T! In the tribal way of child rearing, bonding with the village is not only encouraged, it’s celebrated. Mothers in the tribe want their babies to feel safe and secure with the other women because those tribal women subscribe to the same philosophies. They all want what’s best for the children.

The article really awakened within me an even stronger desire to lift up and support my own tribe. I love that my children feel comfortable enough to go to my close friend and ask to be read a story. It adds to my peace of mind when i see my youngest light up when his nanny arrives, because I know that he feels safe with her. The idea of a stranger scolding or guiding our children is an uncomfortable one, and I’m not proposing that. Instead, if your personal friend and family group share the same or similar parenting values, let’s put an end to the shame and guilt that surrounds the need for support and learn to lean on one another, so that exhausted parents have help and children learn how to effectively and appropriately bond with others. It’s an integral part of their development after all.

We don’t live in actual villages, and our children do cry, unfortunately (lol). But I am determined to nurture, protect and celebrate my tribe to an even greater extent. Why? Well, as awesome as she is, I am NOT Superwoman, and I don’t aspire to be. I am Breegan, a woman who loves her kids, her family and her village. That parenting method runs circles around modern day techniques in my book!

Do you identify more with 21st century parenting or more ancient strategies? Comment below. I’d love to discuss it with my readers!

I will never, ever give up on the belief that moms are the hardest working people in the world. We are the closest thing to Wonder Woman that anyone is going to get. As great as all this “Mom Power” can be, though, it often also comes with a heavy dose of everyone’s expectation of the never-ending strength myth. I hope I do a decent job of debunking that myth; after all, we’re still human.

Moms take care of others all day. We take care of the babies, the adolescents, the significant others and the pets. The only ones that sometimes get neglected in all this maternal excellence is ourselves. Mom guilt and self-imposed over-achiever mode can contribute to the lack of wind-down time we all need from time to time. Well, ladies, it’s time. It’s time to start scheduling in little moments of serenity and recovery. The reality is, we can’t function at our full and best potential if we’re not getting a chance to rest and recharge. 

The lives we lead do not always allow for relaxation methods outside of the home, so I thought I’d share in today’s blog a few ways I “relax, relate and release” without stepping a foot outside of my door.

Wash the Day Away

That heading is a little misleading, because as you’ll read, there is actually very little to no washing going on. I have two rambunctious little ones with boundless energy. During their waking moments, my attention is focused solely on them. That means lots of running, dancing and physical activity. I absolutely love it. I also love what I do when my muscles are tired and tense, and I need to calm my spirit. For me, that can mean the occasional long, hot shower. I put the kids to bed, crank the faucet up to just before scorching, and then…Just. Stand. There. This isn’t the time for cleansing your face or body. There’s no fidgeting with washing or conditioning hair. It’s just 30 (or even longer) or so minutes of bliss that completely steams up the bath and melts my tension away. Try it. Thank me later.

Take Solace in Soothe

This might be one of my favorites, and I’m thrilled to talk about it because it’s one of the web’s best kept secrets. It’s an app (and company) called Soothe. You can (and should) go check out the details for yourself; but the long and short of it is they’re a massage company that will come to your house when you need them. It takes them no time to arrive, and they show up at your door with a massage table ready to go. Dr. Breegan’s prescription? Download the app today. Use when needed.

Great Grapes Galore

Wine. ‘Nuff said.

Okay fine, I’ll say a bit more 🙂 No one drinks more wine (responsibly) than moms, and if they tell you otherwise, they’re lying. It doesn’t have to be the most expensive bottle on the market; it just needs to be the one you love. I can always appreciate a good Beaujolais. Crack it open, have a glass and savor the moment.

Mindless TV

This isn’t the typical reality TV that comes to mind when someone mentions mindless binge watching. My favorites are silly, adult-targeted cartoons like Bob’s Burgers, American Dad and Family Guy. I sometimes have trouble shutting my mind off at the end of a long day, and I’ve found that putting on one of these cartoons usually leads to me zoning out and falling asleep. The TV watches me those nights more than I watch it. It’s a perfect lazy night.

These are things almost anyone can do on a night when you have a moment to yourself. Taking that time is more important than we all realize. It’s impossible for us to pour into others if our own wells are dry. Set aside time to direct some of that loving energy and care back to yourself. Your entire family will be better for it!

These are just a few of the things that I do, but I’d love to know some of your relaxing secrets. Share the things you do to unwind in the comments!

I never realized how controversial motherhood could be until I actually became a mom. Maybe it was naivete, but as a girl (and later as a woman) with a strong maternal sense within, I always felt that love, wisdom and a dash of precaution was the perfect recipe for successfully raising healthy kids. Two kids and a few years later, I’ve learned that everyone, novices and experts alike, has an opinion on what you should and shouldn’t do with your baby, and those pieces of advice (while helpful) can be downright scary at times.

None of this is the exception when it comes to co-sleeping. Co-sleeping, as most of my readers will know, is when you opt to sleep closely with your child, usually in the same bed, instead of putting the child to bed in his or her own room. Two distinct schools of thoughts are commonly heard on this matter. You have the one group that feels like co-sleeping is dangerous and/or a hindrance to the child’s independence; the other group believes and relishes in all the benefits of babies and parents being close while they sleep, literally and figuratively.

I rank somewhere in the middle of the two. As with everything else, I researched co-sleeping and all the things the experts were saying about it. I decided it would be good for my family, so I set off on a course to make it happen. I can remember having conversations with several of my mommy friends regarding the issue, and what they told me was shocking to “new mommy Breegan.” Many of their husbands, upon hearing their desire to co-sleep, were turned completely off and against the idea. I wondered how I would fare in conversation with my own husband. Amazingly, he was totally okay with the idea, and I was ecstatic. I loved the thought of co-sleeping, and I’d always felt like sleeping together was a normal thing and should be more family oriented.

With all the data I read on co-sleeping statistics, I was concerned about my child sleeping in our actual bed. Now, if I was going to do it again, the experienced mama in me would maybe handle things differently; but back then I was brand new to motherhood and, as such, followed all the usual fears. I didn’t want to think about what could happen if one of us rolled over on the baby, or if a pillow got too close to his little perfect nose. When a bassinet didn’t curb my desire for closeness, I began my hunt for a sleeping device that would attach to our bed.

The kind of piece I was searching for was extremely hard to find! Being the ever-creative designer that I am, I decided to have one built. I took a full sized crib, removed one side of it, had my handyman raise it to the perfect height and put legs with lockable wheels on the bottom of them. We attached the metal base of the crib to the base of the bed, and voila! A customized co-sleeper bed was born.

I co-slept with each of my sons for around 10 months to a year. The commentary from friends and family all amounted to: “you’re going to have a difficult time getting them out of your room!” That couldn’t have been further from the truth. In fact, by the time my oldest was one, he was itching to be in his own room. I’m aware that this isn’t going to be the case for everyone; but it was ideal for us.

I know what you’re really wondering. What are the pros and cons to co-sleeping? These will most likely differ from case to case, but I’ll let you in on what I’ve learned. Couples tend to blame co-sleeping for the strain in/on their love lives. I think it’s a great scapegoat for a couple struggling with intimacy. Listen, having a kid period is going to put a strain on that department. Co-sleeping or not, you’ll have to work on that area. My advice is that you can co-sleep and find several other ways to be intimate with your husband. Sure, it hampers the ability to fall into a spontaneous romantic moment more organically. And yes, you might have to meet him at the door in lingerie; perhaps the couch, shower or some other untraditional location may become your go-to places for intimacy. But you’ll do it. You’ll do it because you have to, and because it’s worth it. The advantage to this is that it forces the two of you to pay attention to your needs as a couple so that you avoid the chances of either of you feeling neglected. I guess that’s a pro disguised as a con.

The biggest disadvantage for me was when it came to sleep training. Any mother will tell you that it’s gut wrenching to hear your helpless baby crying from a room away when you’re sleep training. Now imagine having that same crying baby screaming just inches away from you in bed. It was tortuous to listen to him cry and have to resist picking him up, but it was a part of the process (that eventually worked).

The advantages are easy. Co-sleeping makes breastfeeding ten times easier. During a middle-of-the-night feeding, I could just reach over, and he was right there. As a sleep-deprived mama of a newborn, that’s precious and priceless. Another benefit was that I could always tell when my baby was sick, maybe even before the illness was full-blown. With him being so close, I got to know his breathing and could immediately hear when something sounded a little off. It was instinctual and primal.

Is co-sleeping right for you? Only you can answer that question. It was a beautiful experience for us. I bonded with my baby in a different way because of co-sleeping, and I wouldn’t have traded that for anything. Every mom will have her own comfort level, and I wholeheartedly believe you should trust your gut when making the choice for your family. Do your research, but don’t allow fear to trump what you need to do for your baby. Advocate for yourself, reach out to other mamas and listen to your baby. You won’t go wrong.

Did you co-sleep? Did others attempt to discourage you from doing so? I’d love to hear about your experience in the comments.

Being a first-time mom or dad can be frightening, exciting and overwhelming all at once. There is so much to learn, and you never really feel like you get it all before the baby is born. When it’s time for baby number two, an entirely new set of emotions kick in, and you’re suddenly launched into feeling like a freshman all over again. Most would agree that parenting can be downright difficult with one child; once you double the number, you’re playing in a whole new ballfield.

One of the questions I encounter from moms and dads who have one child and another on the way concerns helping the oldest to transition into a being big brother or big sister. It’s a common worry for parents, and for good reason. We’ve all either been the older, somewhat-bitter-sibling (c’mon, admit it) or seen someone else go through it. If there’s a way to prevent that phase, why wouldn’t we make the attempt, right?

There are no perfect parents, and I will never say that my way is the only way to do anything regarding all children. I’ll only tell you that we were able to successfully welcome baby number two to our family, and make his older brother happy while doing it. Here’s a little of what we did to pull it off.

My oldest (Kingsley) was one-and-a-half years old when I was pregnant with Kensington. The first thing I decided to do was buy a baby doll and stroller for Kingsley. I know, I know, gasps all around. I never understood why a boy having a babydoll was some controversial concept. I simply realized that I would be having a baby soon, and I wanted to give him a tangible representation and understanding of what that might be like. So my 18-month-old would walk around the house pushing his “baby” in a stroller. We would hold the baby, rock it and talk about what it meant to take care of him. He was gentle and sweet, and he understood that it was important to be nice to the baby.

During this time, I did a lot of talking about the real baby and where it was. I would tell him that the baby was little and in mommy’s tummy, but he would come “out” one day. I think part of the reason it can be so difficult to have these conversations with children of all ages is that we don’t tell them the truth about how it all happens. This can be tricky, of course, because we all want to keep things age appropriate. You should decide what feels most comfortable in your family and choose accordingly. I found a suitable video of a woman giving birth in nature (literally right beside a river) online, fast-forwarded to a very quick exit (from a censored angle), and watched with Kingsley. Parents get uneasy with this idea, but our children regularly watch all sorts of animals giving birth in classrooms and on nature channels. What makes human birth so repulsive? It isn’t at all; it’s beautiful and should be celebrated.

Kingsley understood that his baby brother was in my tummy and would come out one day. He understood that Kensi would be very much like his babydoll: small, helpless and needing lots of patience and loving care. I made sure to tell him how much more he, as the older one, was capable of doing, compared to his little brother. Overall, he was prepared.

The day I gave birth, Kingsley entered the hospital room and Kensi was in my arms. He came over to me, and I excitedly asked him, “Who’s this?” He looked at me almost with sarcasm in his eyes and replied, “Kensi, mom.” The next few moments and months were key in developing a positive relationship between the two of them, but particularly so when it came to positive feelings we wanted to impart to Kingsley. We were sure to never leave him out. Moms, one of the things we struggle with as moms to newborns is wanting to make sure nobody (even siblings) hurts them. I’ve seen moms stop the older sibling as he or she went in for a hug or kiss because they feared germs. Trust me, I get it. But the biggest piece of advice I can give is to include the older sibling.

When Kingsley went to kiss Kensington, I let him. There were times when we were all sitting around at home and the baby was in my arms, and Kingsley wanted to hold him. I allowed it. I was cringing and wincing and praying on the inside, but I kept it hidden as I carefully let him sit beside me and hold the baby.

Kingsley and Kensington are a bit older today. The oldest has always been, and still is to this day, pretty protective of the youngest. I think his having an understanding of Kensi being little and fragile when he was still in utero later made Kingsley want to guard and support his little brother, whom he fondly calls “baby”. Kingsley’s father and I made sure to spend a little extra alone time with him after the baby was born, although Kingsley always seemed to want “his baby” to accompany us. We didn’t deal with much sibling rivalry or jealousy, and I believe these methods all contributed to that.

Becoming a big brother or sister doesn’t have to be stressful on a child. Introducing the baby as their brother or sister, instead of mommy and daddy’s baby, can help your oldest feel included. Give him or her the chance to participate in taking care of the little one, and never, ever stop your child from gentle kisses or affection toward the baby. There’s absolutely nothing like a sibling bond. Start nurturing it before baby number two even arrives, and watch it bloom throughout their lives!

To Vaxx or not to Vaxx?

Vaccinations have been a hot button topic issue for a while now, and with celebrities at the helm of the movement on either end, it shows no signs of slowing down. Jenny McCarthy and Robert De Niro are just two of the celebs who have been outspoken about their opinions on the matter at one point or another, but regular moms, dads and other loved ones are finding themselves faced with the decision of whether or not to vaccinate their children.

For some, it may feel foolish to even consider the option of not vaccinating, and I get it. If there’s something we can do to keep our children healthy, why not, right? Well as I’ve said plenty of times on my blog, I’m an investigator. I want to know and learn everything I can before I make a major decision like injecting a foreign substance into the bodies of the two most precious beings in my life. So that’s exactly what I did. Sue me.

Both of my children are vaccinated. Aside from the very common slight fever and complaining of not feeling 100 percent, neither of them had any issues associated with the vaccinations. To say I had absolutely no concerns regarding vaccines would be a falsehood. If you take a look at the statistics and science, you simply cannot refute the evidence. Something is going on. Cases of autism, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and a host of other conditions have increased exponentially in the last decade or so. Studies present contradicting information, and it became clear to me that, while we cannot completely rule out vaccinations as relevant to the cause, the data is correlational, not causal. I think we should consider looking into several potential harmful contributors, including radicals in our environment and even birthing drugs. I’m simply not convinced vaccinations are undoubtedly harmful, but I’m open to any and all research that continues to be conducted.

I made the choice to vaccinate my sons, but I definitely had a few reservations. While they didn’t suffer any consequences, I have always wished that the MMR (measles, mumps, rubella) vaccine could be split up and not given all at once. Much of what I researched revolved around the fact that this one, in particular, could be a bit too much on such young immune systems. Unfortunately, you can’t buy or request it separately; the drug companies simply don’t offer it that way.

New moms often look to more seasoned ones for advice. While my children are still pretty young, I love sharing anything that may prove to be constructive for others. To the mom who is pondering whether or not to vaccinate, I say this: do your research. Remember that anything related to traditional medicine is controlled by the drug industry. These are corporate, for-profit businesses. If you can keep that in mind, you can decrease your chances of being susceptible to making decisions out of fear. Question everything, and get second and third opinions. We trusted our pediatrician and the research we had access to, ultimately making the best possible choice for our family. Don’t be afraid to do the same.

Did you vaccinate? What were some of the concerns surrounding the vaxx movement you encountered?