Author: manager

Happy Halloween!

In our house, any time is a good time for costumes, but I’m aware that the rest of the world probably reserves playing “dress up” for this time of year. Halloween is the perfect excuse to let my imagination run wild with original ensembles for the kiddos! We select the perfect costumes and have a blast going candy-hunting in our neighborhood!

Kids all over the country wait with anticipation for the night when they can go door to door gathering sweet treats with their friends and family members. It can be a fun night for parents as well, but we all know how important it is to take extra safety precautions to ensure the night remains a positive one.

 

Where the Wild Things Are

We have an awesome neighborhood that gets together to coordinate the night of trick-or-treating, so we know exactly what to expect, which houses to visit, times and the like. The first tip is to consider the “where.” Where would you like to celebrate the holiday? Are you in a safe area that allows you to feel comfortable with your kids going door-to-door? Do you know your neighbors? If not, several alternatives exist. Many malls have Halloween event nights where kids don their costumes and go from store to store gathering candy alongside other kids. It’s the perfect answer to traditional trick-or-treating. The area is well-lit, easy to supervise, and candy is regulated. Other options include throwing a small Halloween party for the kids and a few friends or going to a church’s or community recreational center’s Octoberfest. They throw these events each year as a substitute for conventional Halloween activities. There, the kids take part in everything from costume contests to bouncy houses to dunking booths!

Safety First

No matter how you decide to celebrate, no one can argue that safety is the priority. Most of us will spend the evening of the 31st walking through someone’s neighborhood with our littles by the hand. You’ll want to do everything possible to keep them visible to drivers and other pedestrians. One of the things parents can do is purchase reflectors that fit neatly on clothing. They can be placed anywhere, giving any parent peace of mind when their child is running up and down a sidewalk. There are also clip-on flashlights that can be fastened to a child’s body or their shoes! Some of them can be programmed to flash or stay solid. These are especially great for older kids who don’t want to hold mommy’s hand and prefer a little more independence. You’ll be able to locate your kid at all times, even from a slight distance.

Moms with older kids may find that while they’ve outgrown trick-or-treating, costume parties are all the rage. Much to our dismay, parent attendance is usually frowned upon. Others will still plan to go door-to-door but will be old enough to do so on their own. Luckily for us, there are plenty of reliable smartphone apps that allow remote GPS tracking. Install the app(s) on your child’s phone with appropriate settings, and you’ll be able to see their whereabouts all night long.

Confectionary Caution

Let’s be honest. Isn’t it really all about the candy? Kids have it down to a science! After years of trick-or-treating, they know which houses give the good stuff and which ones hand out toothbrushes and apples (LOL). The sweets are what this holiday is made of, but it can also be a source of anxiety and fear for parents. With so much craziness going on in the world, it can be easy to get wrapped up in worrying about ill-intending people tampering with candy being handed out. It goes without saying that children should be advised not to eat any of the pieces they get until they get home. Parents should examine each piece of candy thoroughly, being sure to check for opened wrappers, puncture marks or any other suspicious evidence. Immediately dispose of anything that appears irregular.

If the idea of your kids eating candy given out by strangers is something you can’t stomach, consider only visiting the homes of people you are familiar with and trust. Another idea is to buy a variety of candy mixes and have it waiting at home. The kids can go trick-or-treating, and when they return, you can swap the gathered candy with the mix you purchased. It allows the littles to enjoy the experience without the risk! They can have their cake (candy) and eat it, too!

Get your costumes and facepaint ready, because Halloween will be here before you know it! Enjoy the holiday and stay safe!

How are you planning to spend Halloween this year?

 

Don’t Date Your Space!

It’s easy to get stuck in a design rut. We buy our homes and decorate, finely tuning everything until it’s just right. Then, the idea of changing it all becomes a distant memory. How many times have you walked into your grandmother’s home and thought, “this feels old”? Your eyes scan her room and with every corner, table and wall comes knick knacks and trinkets of varying shapes, sizes and colors. It can feel cluttered and make the home look like more of a museum than an actual living space. The truth is, it’s not just grandma’s house that can be afflicted in this way; we are all at risk if we’re not careful to do some refreshing every now and then. So how do we remedy this situation? It’s easier than you think. Follow these simple steps to avoid dating your space.

 

Tchotchkes & Baubles

We talked about the obsession some have with collecting and storing knick knacks in every nook and cranny in their home, and how it can detract from the beauty of a space. Some ask, “Is it best to do away with them all together?” The short answer? No. But let’s take a slightly closer look into why these types of items have a way of dating a space in the first place. Our parents and grandparents lived in a different time, and rules of design and decor were quite different. A lot of them bought knick knacks, put them on a shelf, and never discarded and re-bought them. The types of trinkets they were buying weren’t the ones we see in common discount stores today. Many of them were expensive and extremely well made. They spent a significant amount of money on them, which makes it easy to see why they’d keep them for so long. It was an era where you bought one house, one set of furniture for each room, and you kept it until the kids were grown. Today, interior design is much more transient. Retail outlets are following the trends and making it much easier for consumers to find what they want at prices that don’t require a lifelong commitment. If you like knick-knacky things and you fall in love with something in Ikea, you can purchase it knowing that when the trend tide changes, it will get replaced with something more fitting.

Here’s the takeaway: Align your decisions with your budget. If you’re itching to buy tchotchkes that are extremely trendy, don’t spend more than what will feel uncomfortable to replace in three years. After that amount of time, they’re probably going to look outdated.

The Infamous (& Unorganized) Wall ‘O’ Shame

We’ve all seen it. The room you walk in and your eye is immediately drawn to a wall completely covered in photos from every decade. There’s no rhyme or reason, and there are probably way too many. Frames are mismatched, and some are hung a bit crookedly. At best, it just feels messy. Let’s be clear: if you’re reading this blog, you know I’m an absolute lover of photos. I’m always taking them and finding cool things to do with the images. There’s nothing wrong with a wall of photographs; it’s all in how it’s executed. The first thing to do is think about arrangement. Consider a gorgeous gallery wall in a space that can be visually appreciated. Purchase frames that match or coordinate with one another. Framing used to be highly expensive, but today you can buy them at bargain prices, and they often come with their own mat. Do you adore that old photo of grandpa from WWII? You can keep it; just enlarge it to go along with the other photos, and have it framed nicely. The images don’t have to be new, just freshen up their presentation and sort them neatly on your wall in a way that is aesthetically pleasing. The difference in results will amaze you.

Faux Florals

Admit it. We have all owned fake flowers at one point or another. You get bonus points if you’ve arranged your own in a vase with that goop that doubles as “fake water.” One way to risk seriously dating your space is with fake flowers done poorly. It may come as a surprise to readers that I do NOT shun faux plants and flowers altogether. There’s an art to it, and we’re going to tackle it! I’m a mom of two, and I don’t always do a great job of keeping flowers and plants alive; yet, my spaces need a little green life to them. In these instances, I opt for beautiful plants that don’t actually look fake. Palm trees are perfect for the person without a green thumb because their leaves naturally look a bit waxy. That means a fake version won’t appear too different from a real one! Be sure to keep it dusted if you want to keep up the facade! Another plant to consider is an orchid. Real orchids are sometimes a challenge to keep alive due to their finicky watering preferences; but the bright side is that they already look a bit perfect and fake, so again, a faux one will fool visitors! A great trick to incorporate is to sort of mess up the roots when you buy a fake one. It adds a more authentic look.

Getting trapped in a time warp is easy to do, but your beautiful home will eventually begin to show its age if you accumulate keepsake items that are strewn to and fro. A room will feel a bit like a museum that houses artifacts without a bit of rejuvenation from time to time. Don’t let it overwhelm you. Remember, sometimes it’s better to trash aging knick knacks than to buy new candles! Make an impact with your decor. Keep trendy purchases within your budget, and freshen up old designs. Your space will never look dated if you can manage these tasks every now and then!

Moments Through Music: Survivor’s Playlist

“People haven’t always been there for me, but music always has.”
– Taylor Swift

Throughout so many times in life, I’ve needed to lean on someone for support. When that someone wasn’t around, whoever it was, I shifted my emotional weight to music. There is always–ALWAYS–a song for any given moment, mood, emotion and feeling. Being a DJ has helped me explore music to create moments for others; but before I can do that for others, I connect with lyrics, harmonies, melodies and messages for me.

For me, the best take-care-of-Breegan therapy starts with finding the right songs that channel what I’m feeling and turning the volume up to “tick off the neighbors” levels and singing at the top of my lungs! If that’s you, too, here’s the perfect “I’m-a-survivor” playlist that is guaranteed to get you (well, us) through!

Kesha – Praying

According to Kesha, this song is a heartfelt desire and sentiment of “hoping everyone, even someone who hurt you, can heal.” So powerful.

I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’
I hope your soul is changin’, changin’
I hope you find your peace…

***
Rachel Platten – Broken Glass

This is a mellow but hypnotic track that inspires me to persevere. Of the song, Rachel said, “It was a pretty inspiring year to be a woman. And also devastating. I was at the Women’s March; it was so beautiful to see women standing up for each other in a world where we’re often encouraged to compete with one another. I know I do it too: I’ll look around and get jealous of people who have things that I don’t have. I’m working on it. But I feel like this year encouraged us to recognize that when we’re standing up for each other, that’s how we’re unstoppable. That’s how we break down walls.”

So what? Still got knives in my back,
So what? So I’m tied to the tracks,
I’m gonna dance on broken glass.

***
Ellie Goulding – Explosion

This is a personal one for me, but I’m sure it will touch other women. In this song, Ellie’s voice fully embraces the pain, fear, conflict and emotional passion that comes with ending things. I heard this song in the car at a really vulnerable moment, and it has resonated with me since.

Explosions on the day you wake up.
Needing somebody and you’ve learned it’s ok to be afraid.
But it will never be the same.


Such great songs. And here are some others that will complete your playlist. Rock out and rock on, ladies. You We can do this!

Beyonce – If I Were a Boy
Daya – Sit Still, Look Pretty
Grace – Hell of a Girl
Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive
Maroon 5 – I Don’t Wanna Know
Justin Timberlake – What Goes Around
Beyonce – Sorry

Kid Costumes: The Fun That Fits!

Kids in and of themselves can be the best source of hilarity in a parent’s life. They say some of the funniest (and most honest) things, their clumsiness can be adorably laughable, and their efforts to be little adults as they grow and learn provide moments that leave us chuckling for years. I try to cherish those moments whenever they happen.

So here’s a little confession: I don’t always wait for those precious moments in my kids’ lives to occur; I orchestrate some of them myself. How? By dressing my kids up in costumes.

All the time.

I go out of my way to find or create costumes that are extremely unique and showcase my boys as the demonstrative duo that they are. The best outfits are ones that center around a theme with the two of them together. I do Halloween up in a major way, and I make sure they’re donned in photo- and video-worthy garb every time. Make no mistake: nothing is off limits when it comes to creative kid costumes. Themes in my home can range from hip hop to culinary cuisines and classic television about which they have no clue.

Holidays are great times to dress my boys up, but I feel it is my duty as a parent to go above and beyond the typical and expected. No, I don’t think a cute costume has to be merited by an occasion to warrant purchasing. If it will make my kids look cute(r), make them happy and make mama smile, oh it’s purchased. It isn’t unusual to see my boys in a dinosaur costume on any given Tuesday or hamming it up as little kid DJs with headphones, records and toy turntables in their hands as props. I think it gives them a dedicated time to use their imaginations and don playful alter egos, if only for a little while.

With all of the craziness going on outside of my home and family, simple moments of throwing on a costume and being silly mean the world to me. It’s innocence and joy wrapped up in its purest form. The chemical reaction of happiness and smiles won’t always be this easy or attainable in other times of their lives, and it certainly may not be as accessible to me as their guardian. So any moment I can dress them up as a turtle and dolphin duo on the seashores of their childhood and take a snapshot for fond family memories, best believe I’m doing it. The resulting hugs, laughter and eye twinkles truly are medicine for my soul.

It’s the stuff “I remember when…” stories are made of.

 

Breegan’s Signatures: Light Fixtures

Every designer has his or her own concentration and aptitude for creating beautiful things. For many of us, years of developing personal artistry yield a certain hallmark or stamp. It’s a particular feature which often distinguishes one designer’s style from anyone else’s. In this series, I hope to share with interested readers a few of the design elements that have become uniquely Breegan Jane.

The best interior design in the world is incomplete if spectacular lighting isn’t accounted for. As a designer, lighting is one of the first elements I consider and plan for when I’m formulating a plan for a space. Light fixtures should be thoughtful and aesthetically pleasing. They also need to very specifically fit the client’s needs and preferences. It sounds like a tall order, but a great designer can make it happen!

I find lighting fixtures very inspirational. When done well, they can become the focal point of a room, around which I build everything else. My first decision usually begins with whether or not I want a fixture to be a statement piece, or if it should be more demure and understated.

One of the best parts about light fixture selection is the cost. You can find great fixtures for bargain prices. Trust me, this is not the place to break the bank. You don’t need a brand name; you just need beautiful. You’re not going to be sitting on it or putting it through its paces. Think about it. It’s material hanging from your ceiling. Save your money and find something that calls out to you. Because of the price advantage, I have a lot of fun with fixtures. I’m not afraid to go bold and trendy, because they can very easily be changed out if you ever fall out of love with them.

As you know, there are several different types of lighting fixtures. We’ll talk about a few that I use frequently. It’s important to note that lighting is one of those very subjective areas that designers will undoubtedly disagree on. The opinions here are solely my own. My thoughts on fixtures come down to this: in a perfect world, chandeliers and pendant lights would be used for mood lighting only. Everything else would be recessed and functional. This is because on average, if you look for a chandelier that’s going to meet all your illuminating needs you end up having to sacrifice and make poor decisions. It isn’t impossible to find one that defies that opinion, but it sure is more of a challenge than necessary.

If possible, put all your lighting on dimmers. Do it and thank me later. Pay attention to the types of bulbs you purchase. My first time ever noticing lighting was when I traveled to Dubai in my 20s. I was in a beautiful hotel attempting to do my makeup, and failing miserably because the color of the lights was all wrong. This may be met with dissent from some, but I’m extremely partial to yellow bulbs as opposed to blue ones. Why, you ask? Think about candlelight and what it does to a space, to your features. It makes everything warm and soft; and because lighting subconsciously affects your mood, this is important. That warm orangey glow is inviting, while a stark, too white blue light mimics that of sterile hospitals and cold corporate buildings. I’d rather the former.

If you’re looking to add beauty and class to your space, go the chandelier route. They’re my favorite fixtures to add to a room. When I owned my retail store, I opted to hang five crystal chandeliers in a 900 square foot space. It was excessive. And gorgeous! I say don’t be afraid to go all out with a chandelier. They’re dreamy in a woman’s walk-in closet, and striking even in a casual space. I don’t think rules apply to the addition of a chandelier except one: stick to one color, and one to two materials.

My favorite style of chandelier right now is called the jewelry chain chandelier. I’m drawn to Moroccan-esque designs, and these are breathtaking.

If you’re trying to decide on a lighting fixture, my strongest advice is not to be talked into anything. Lighting fixtures are the red high heel of design; they’re the place you get to really spice it up and add polish. It has to speak to you, and you have to love it. Select the one that feels right without apology, and a skilled designer will work around it to make the space come together in a beautiful way.

For My Dad Tribe

We talk a lot about the village and mommy tribe on my blog. They are discussed at length because of how extremely essential both are to my well being, and I would argue that most moms can empathize with that. Attempting to do this whole “mom thing” alone can be incredibly lonely and more difficult than it needs to be. Of all the necessities I could name that should top the new mom’s must-have list, a support system ranks highest. Regular readers will know from previous blogs that my mommy tribe is strong! I have emotionally invested much in these women who lift me up and encourage me during rough moments, and they, in turn, do the same for me. We answer each other’s hard questions, share embarrassing stories and laugh at unbelievable anecdotes. We’re each others’ backbone, and there’s no getting around it.

The events of the past year have opened my eyes to a few things I haven’t previously spoken about. I realized that my village wasn’t limited to just these awesome super moms; it included men, too–men who deserved to be recognized for all that they bring to my life.

You see, many of my mommy friends are married, and it wasn’t uncommon for us all to go out on group dates or even to meet for play dates when I was coupled. I grew to adopt their husbands as family, and we all spent lots of time together doing the kinds of things you do when you have young children and limited time due to adult responsibilities. Some days, those times feel like a very distant memory. Entering into a new phase of my life as a single woman has caused a shift in quite a few other areas as well. I’ve always been pretty independent and headstrong, whether in a relationship or not; but I never realized what the absence of a male figure would truly mean in the lives of my two young boys. Don’t get me wrong, their father is still very much a part of their lives and present. That is what divorce is, right? For the most part, things are the same. We have our typical busy schedules, full of my work and their enrichment and play activities. But every now and then something happens that reminds me of the way this change could be seen from their perspectives.

We go to the park with our friends, and I watch as my mommy friend’s husband crouches to catch Kensi as he exits the slide. On another day, a different friend and her husband meet my family and me at the pool for a swim session. They have girls, and my sometimes rough-and-tough boys are a welcome change for the man in their house. I see her and her hubby playing with my oldest as he attempts a wobbly dive into the pool. As they splash about, playfully wrestling while the girls and I lounge a few feet away on the other end of the pool, my heart swells. I’m instantly filled with gratitude for these men who step in, in situations where it could be easy for my boys to miss that kind of interaction. My sons play differently (more forcibly, perhaps?) with males than they do with me. It is as if they have an instinct that tells them what mommy can handle versus what a man in the same instance could.

I’m able to play and wrestle with my kids. We dance and run and are extremely active with one another. But this isn’t really about ability. It’s about inclusion. It’s about involvement. It’s about making sure that in any situation those two precious souls feel welcomed and embraced. These men, my adopted family, have stepped right in without being asked. They’ve loved my boys and treated them with such kindness, and I know my sons’ lives are only better for it. My tribe has doubled during this new phase of life.

Just when you think you have everything you need and all the love your heart can hold, life surprises you. Support is invaluable, and my cup runneth over. To the men of my village, my Dad Tribe: I love and appreciate you. Thank you for loving my boys. Thank you for never forgetting them, and for being additional male role models in their lives. And to their wives, my sisters, thank you for being the cornerstone of my village. Our collective foundation is strong and amazingly well built.

The Advantage of an Accent Wall

Most of us have diverse friendships and social circles, with people hailing from all walks of life. When it comes to utilizing your resources, you probably know someone who specializes in what you need; and if your friends can’t help, they probably know someone who can! In my friend circles, people oftentimes come to me for design help, and I’m more than happy to offer any bit of assistance I can.

One of the questions I get asked every now and then has to do with the idea of an accent wall, and whether or not it’s something to consider trying when designing the interior of a home. Accent walls have been around for awhile, but they became increasingly trendy within the last five years or so. So popular was the simple design feature that you could even walk into your favorite store or the lobby of a swanky restaurant and see it employed. So what is it about this particular artful element that has so many homeowners completely smitten?

I think it’s the fact that such a simple technique allows an individual to change the entire atmosphere of a room with little effort. When you talk about interior design, people begin to envision bold sofas, funky light fixtures and architectural features. We tend to forget about the striking statements wallpaper and beautifully painted walls can also make on the eye! When you want to jazz up a space and have no plans of buying or rearranging furniture, an accent wall might be worth attempting.

I love a tasteful accent wall. As a designer, it’s where I really get to have fun and be creative in a budget-friendly way. I refer to them as the “trendy outfit of design.” What do I mean by that? Well, if green is the “it color” of the year and you want to incorporate it into your wall? Go for it! Obsessed with robin’s egg blue? Great! Let’s go find the perfect paint for your walls. For some, this may sound risky, but the truth is a smart designer or decorator knows that you go into creating accent walls knowing that it might have a lifespan of only three years or so. The good part about it is that it’s easy to ditch the old and bring in the new if you tire of the wall quickly. Gotta love that.

One of my favorite ways to do an accent wall is to use wallpaper. I don’t mind splurging on a great paper that will suit my space, and I find that it can be a wonderful way of bringing texture and visual interest to a room. So, wallpaper vs paint…which is the way to go? I think if you’re trying to decide between, say, a chic wallpaper or a maroon wall in a beige room, I’m definitely choosing the paper. I like to select a super cool, cutting-edge wallpaper that stands out and catches the eye. If you have a unique idea that can be affected well with paint, go for it. I’ve done an ombre wall with paint, and it turned out amazing! Will it stand the test of time? I don’t know, but I do know that it will be incredibly easy to undo in even just six months if the mood strikes me. That’s the beauty of it.

Don’t let the idea of accent walls overwhelm you. Start by taking into account a few tips:

• Be bold! Remember: you can make changes without being married to the design or so financially invested. Walk into the project knowing the look could be short-lived.

• Think about the use of the space. A maroon wall in an otherwise beige room might not be as becoming as a trendy wallpaper. Always make an intentional statement with your choice.

• Consider color carefully. Pepto pink might conjure up unpleasant imagery each time you access the room. Colors evoke different emotions. Google it if you’re unsure.

• Go big or go home! Accessories are a key part of a trendy outfit, right? Such is the case for your accent wall. Framed art or decorations? Add ‘em! They liven up the space and make it your own.

Accent walls can be tricky to figure out if you don’t know where to start. Once you figure out the look and feel you’re hoping to achieve, the rest is only limited by your desire and creativity! Have fun designing, friends!

Empowered Mama Summit

Power. Purpose. Legacy. These are such strong sentiments, ones that I hold strongly as a woman, mom and entrepreneur. I walk them out sincerely and strategically in everything I do because they not only impact me, but they have a direct influence on my boys and their future.

I was so thrilled to be one of the guest speakers for the Empowered Mama Summit, an online event produced by attorney, mom and life coach Carmen Rosas. I, along with over 20 other amazing speakers, got a chance to speak with Carmen about helping moms find their professional passions. We discussed the importance of self-empowerment, avoiding the comparison traps, fighting the battle of being “good enough” and listening to the inner voice for guidance. I thoroughly enjoyed my talk with Carmen, and I’m enjoying the nuggets of wisdom from so many other amazing mom voices!

I encourage all moms looking to level up and enhance their personal and professional development to listen to these outstanding conversations. Carmen is opening up FREE ACCESS to all of the videos on her site:

Take advantage, moms! And thank you so much, Carmen, for the opportunity to collaborate and further support mothers everywhere!

https://vimeo.com/229330039

There’s No Place Like Mom

As a mommy blogger and co-host of a mom-centered radio show (Mom Life Yo), I tend to spend a lot of the free time in my days reflecting on my experiences with my two sons. They’re still quite young, but so many of the happenings we’ve lived through in their short lives have shaped my own.

For many of us, everything changed the moment we found out we were going to become mothers. It’s inexplicable. All I can say is something shifted within me, almost as if I had no control over it. To say I felt “maternal” doesn’t feel strong enough. This felt…intergalactic. Sound dramatic? It felt dramatic! The weight of motherhood hit me, and all of a sudden it wasn’t just about having cute little chubby-faced babies. I was responsible for feeding them the right nutrients, strapping them in the right car seat correctly, and knowing the difference in their cries in the middle of the night. Heck, I was charged with keeping them alive! That’s enough to make anyone’s head spin. Of course, this is something that we all eventually get used to, and it begins to feel as natural as breathing. I don’t think the magnitude of the situation ever decreases, though.

Hitting a rhythm with our babies is key, but life sometimes necessitates allowing close and trusted family members to care for your child for limited (or longer) amounts of time. Maybe you have to go to work, or perhaps you have plans for a dinner date with your significant other. Anything can arise that may require a child-free moment. If you’re lucky enough, you probably have an available support system in place.

For many moms, the idea that no one can take care of your child the way you can has driven wedges between family members. That, ladies, is completely avoidable. Most of the problem is completely understandable. You carried this child for nine months, and now your prerogative is to raise them the way you please. That doesn’t sound like too much to ask, right? In my opinion, you’re right. In the opinion of your perhaps know-it-all (but well meaning) mother-in-law? Maybe not so much. Here’s the truth: when you drop your kid off at their grandmother’s house, rules often vary greatly from those of your own. The kids may get to stay up later than you’d prefer. They may also get to do backflips off of the bed without consequences. For many moms, this leads to frustration and words said out of anger aimed at unsuspecting grandmas. I’ve found better ways to handle it, though.

Remember the Love

You might find it helpful to remember two things. First? If you’re dealing with a grandmother, aunt or other guardian figure, remind yourself that they raised you, your husband or maybe another family member you’re close to. They’ve done this before, successfully, and they know what they’re doing now. Second, they love your child. Immeasurably. The last thing they’d ever desire would be to see your child hurt. Their ways may be different, but the intention is pure. Get in the habit of repeating it to yourself: they raised me, they raised my husband, they’ve done this before. *deep breath*

Be Careful With Blame

It’s hard to resist blaming your mom or other family caregiver for the things that your kids are “allowed” to do at their home, and I get it. Nobody wants to be the bad guy when the kids are in play heaven doing crazy things at grandma’s right before they bring those crazy behaviors home and get reprimanded for them. My take on this might surprise you. I don’t blame my mother or anyone else for it. Instead, I have realized that my children are incredibly smart. They have figured out what they can get away with, and they sometimes use that knowledge to their advantage. I have switched my thinking to include that awareness; now my expectation rests more so on my children than the “fun grandma” watching them. I say things like, “I know you jump on the couch at Nana’s, that’s fine. At home, we don’t do that. Have a seat.” They understand the parameters, and we’re all happy. Consider taking that approach, and I’m willing to bet your stress levels will decrease.

Know Your Non-negotiable Necessities

This one is the most important. In my experience, grandmothers, aunts and other babysitters are sometimes woeful to accept everything you request, simply because the list is a mile long. It’s overwhelming and leaves no room for basic adult decision-making. Decide on the three most important issues to you, and make it clear that they are not up for debate. Go into the agreement saying, “It’s fine if the kids eat this for dinner, or that they choose their own clothes when you go out, but I’d really like it if you would make sure these three things happened.”

My mom kept my kids while my ex-husband and I were sleep training. If you’ve ever done that, you know every single night is crucial to the success of the whole operation. I would say things like, “I need you to put him in this crib to sleep, don’t go in the room if he cries, and only lay him on his back.” She was always much more willing to go along with the program if I didn’t place restrictions on a lot of other things.

Leaving your baby with anyone else is always hard. Even the ones you love and trust might not do things exactly as you do, but it’s important to remember that if your children are safe, loved and happy, they’re in good hands.

My Sons, The Teachers

It’s become cliché to say, but it’s genuine: becoming a mother changes you in ways you could never imagine. I’m a thinker and a planner. I value being prepared, and I read everything I can get my hands on. When I learned I was pregnant, I dove headfirst into every bit of pre- and postnatal literature I could find. I was well equipped and ready to expand our family to three, and certain the third human would be a little girl with eyes, skin and hair like mine. I brought home a bouncing baby boy! The second time around, I was confident my womb’s resident was female. I already had one handsome son, and this one felt like she would be my daughter.

I brought home another gorgeous baby boy.

I was seriously starting to question my maternal intuition at this point (LOL), but there’s a 50-50 chance after all. I always wanted a girl, so maybe my desire was clouding my discernment a bit. I was blessed with Kingsley and Kensi, and three years later? It fits. It fits so perfectly. When you’re a parent, much of your focus is on instilling wisdom and knowledge. These little beings have been entrusted to you, and you have to find a way to teach them how to exist and succeed in this world. It’s a responsibility so large that it’s easy to overlook the opportunities for the teacher to learn from the student. My sons have awakened within me so many lessons I’d previously forgotten.

For many of us, having a child brings with it the expectation that he or she will be a mixed mini version of mommy and daddy. I think moms have a special version of this line of thinking. I thought, “I fed him, nursed him, chose what to expose him to…” Somewhere in the back of my mind, I believed he was going to magically inherit all of me; I mean he lived inside of me, for goodness sake. Around the three-month mark, I realized my son was a unique being with a personality all his own. He wasn’t the little Breegan replica I’d made him out to be in my mind. I was about to learn how absolutely divine that would turn out to be.

Both of my boys are like me in some ways and completely opposite in others. Learning them step by step has been an astonishing experience. Kingsley is sensitive, and a lot like me. We enjoy a lot of the same things; that in itself has taught me a lot. See, I wanted a girl because I couldn’t wait to share my joys and talk about my favorite lipstick. What I’ve come to realize is that what I wanted were those special moments of closeness, of commonality. To my new-mother surprise, I had and have that with my boys! We experience new things together, talk about our fears and happiness, and so much more. We have moments that I couldn’t have with anyone else. They’re priceless.

I changed my sons’ hairstyles a bit ago, and they wore faux dreadlocks for awhile. I remember looking at my precious little ones and wondering how the other kids and neighbors would receive them with this change. Shortly after, we attended a birthday party and I thought, okay, this is it. This is the moment of truth. I waited for the remarks, but none came. No one said a thing. My kids live in a world where everything is fluid, and they adapt and adjust effortlessly. They don’t judge people because of the color of their skin, the size of their bodies or who they’re holding hands with. In fact, they don’t even seem to notice. Their perspective is so untainted, so full of innocence.

My sons have taught me many things. Among them is that they are each their own person, complete with individual thoughts and feelings, traits and personalities. They enjoy some of the same things as mom and dad but are determined to pave their own way and develop interests that their parents have never held. My boys show me daily that their view of the world is unsullied by the politics and prejudices that exist for the rest of us. Whether they’re running from waves just washed upon the shore or throwing a concert for grandma on FaceTime, they prove that what we’re doing, what we’re instilling, matters.

Make room in your heart to learn from the best teachers: your children.