Author: Breegan Jane

It’s always good to have choices. It’s not always easy to make them.

I’ve always had critics of my choice to be a working mom. I’m not alone in that. Neither am I alone in having strong supporters of my decision to have a family and maintain a profession. I have never been extremely pressed about what others thought of my life choices. As long as I felt like I had made the right choice, I was okay.

But what happens when even I don’t know if I made the right choice? That was my frequent nightmare as I debated my decision to open a restaurant in an extremely short amount of time.

I speak out against mom guilt all the time. I’ve even mentioned it a few times here in past blogs. But I have to confess: I battled it royally while working on Native. The time away from my children had me second guessing everything! Was I choosing my career over them? Could it be that I was giving my best efforts to my job and design projects and not my boys? The guilt felt endless.

Weekends were no better. On Saturday nights when the boys were with Daddy and I had all the time in the world to work, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was somehow less than a mother for pursuing my dreams. It didn’t help that, like so many other moms on this planet, I really had to depend on my delegated tribe to help make everything happen. We are all allowed to call on our friends and family to help when we need things. But even that made me feel horrible. I felt more guilt every night my nanny stayed late with my boys.

As a working mom, there are times when project deadlines may cause me to not put my kids to bed any given night of the week. The Native project called for that on more than a few occasions. I would find myself working on this great installation everyone believed was impossible, and calling the nanny at 5:15 to explain that I had to stay another hour for work…and then another hour…and another. I literally watched the clock tick by on the boys’ bedtime. That was fine for Monday. But it happened again on Tuesday. Wednesday was dad’s night with the boys. The end of the week would come, and I wouldn’t have put them to bed or tucked them in at all.

Then another voice within would smack me with cynicism: Poor Breegan can’t see her kids at night because she gets to pursue her passion. Get over yourself, girl. This was a two-month project, not a two-year gig. It’s an amazing opportunity that will ultimately benefit your kids. I hear and agree with ALL of that. It was just hard for me to recognize that sincerely when I felt less than, and when I felt like I was failing at motherhood.

Designing Native brought out fresh creativity in me professionally, but it also taught me a few life lessons. First, it forced me to be grateful and take advantage of a life commodity that I and so many people take for granted: time. Out of that mom guilt came an acceptance that my moments are limited at times. If I want to make impactful, meaningful, lasting memories, I have to embrace those moments fully. For me, that meant sacrificing as much as the boys had. If I couldn’t be there at night because of work, I committed to being there for them when they woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 7:30 in the morning. That was their time. Peek-a-boo, stickers, cuddle time, being silly under the covers time — it was theirs. I was tired and overworked, but they could have been mommy-hungry and emotionally starving because their mom wasn’t around much when they wanted her to be. My needs are no more important than theirs.

Through this particular design project I also learned that pressure, if I allow it, can turn me into my best self. It strengthens, challenges, provokes and causes a stronger interdependence with those in my tribe. I know now that I am only as powerful as the support I have, especially emotional support. I didn’t know that I needed it until it happened, but having my friends reaffirm that I am indeed a good mom, and that my kids love me, meant so much. I needed that reminder because i didn’t feel like a good mom at all.

Finally, this particular experience will allow my children to see me work, and work hard. Research has shown that the most successful entrepreneurs are children who saw their parents working a great deal, and that pushed me every step of the way. Working long hours became about being an example for my sons — not just an example that they would emulate as they become professionals, but even as an example of a dedicated woman they may possibly be blessed to work for. Yes, I said it! They may one day work for an amazing woman and be stronger men because of it.

Do I regret my choice to create Native? Not at all. It is beautiful in all its splendor, and the reception, both in person and in the media, has been nothing short of amazing. Do I still challenge how I handled my boys during that project? Definitely. But the reality is life will always be a balancing act. As long as I keep my children and passions in full view, I know they will be well-balanced, also.

And so will I.

One of the things I believe in wholeheartedly is setting your intentions and asking the universe for wisdom and guidance to achieve those things. Let me tell you — I know from experience that you better be sincere with whatever those requests are! Sometimes the answer you get will hit you square in the face! Oftentimes my answers haven’t always looked the way I pictured them on the front end of the questions. Nevertheless, I’ve learned to be open to experiences, and they have always been rewarding. Such was the case last December. I looked at my life and asked myself, “What am I missing? What am I not getting out of life right now?” The immediate answer: travel.

Travel has always been a personal passion that I felt would always be a part of my journey. When I got married and had kids, I always felt I would be the mom who traveled with her family. In my mind, having kids wouldn’t tie me down or deter me from seeing the world. Well, that didn’t happen. I did get to travel some, but not nearly as much as I hoped. So travel was the request I inquired of the fates and destiny. Lo and behold, I received an invitation to go to Africa that same month! I’ve always wanted to visit, but I never thought it could happen so soon. I jumped right into learning more about the trip and decided to book it. Opportunity doesn’t often knock twice!

But as quickly as the opportunity came, so did fear and anxiety. I had the strongest urges to cancel the trip for a myriad of reasons. First, how could I consider myself a good mother leaving my kids like this? I get anxious sometimes when I leave them for a meeting that will only last a few hours. I was going to be halfway around the world for twelve days, and I thought to myself, what mother does that?!

Then the safety concerns flooded my mind: My safety could be in jeopardy. Something could happen to the plane. Why was I putting myself at risk, potentially setting my boys up to not have their mother? I had nightmares of being kidnapped, falling victim of some international ploy, all kinds of things. Traveling was what I asked for, and it was my dream, but it felt like the responsible thing to just stay home.

Most moms can probably relate to this. Have you ever needed a weekend away with your husband or the girls? Like, you REALLY need some time to just mentally renew yourself? But then you think about being in a hotel or resort two-and-a-half hours away from your child, not able to be there in case of a real emergency? What if the baby gets sick or needs you? It’s eerie how much fear can wrap itself up in practicality in our mom minds. It happens all the time, and it can be the biggest killer of our hopes and dreams, preventing us from doing really amazing “big” things and even important “small” things we need for self-renewal.

But you know what else crept over me as I thought about going to Africa? Guilt about doing something fun for myself. It might sound crazy to some, but I feel like we mothers are subconsciously fed this story that once we become moms, our lives are no longer our own. “It’s not about you. It’s about the baby.” I’ve heard that in my mind more times that I can count. It equates the notion that anything I do for myself that’s fun is selfish and bad.

Yes, mothers (and parents in general) should be selfless when it comes to their children, but where did that internal narrative come from? Do our lives become this dismal, muted existence with nothing but bleak despair to look forward to after we have kids? I say no, but I had to fight myself to really believe that for myself. Even as moms, we should be aspiring to be our best selves and live our best lives. That includes doing things and making choices that bring happiness to our lives! It’s not selfish; it’s self-care. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Realizing that, I fought fear, guilt and anxiety, and went to Kenya. I’m so glad I did. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life! Those fears that manifested in my head? They were nowhere to be thought of in the airport. And, absolutely nothing traumatic happened to me on the plane. I spoke to my kids via video, and they were fine. Furthermore, I did myself another favor and routed my flights to visit some lifelong friends in Dubai I hadn’t seen in years. Why? Because staying connected is a part of my self-care. It was all a lesson to teach me not to let unrealistic feelings of guilt rob me of that in any way.

So that’s the message I leave with you, mom. Doing things for yourself shouldn’t be a decision wrapped up in shame. Wanting to be happy and healthy isn’t a crime. Tha’s simply self-care. And it’s a necessity — one that you need to pursue with all the passion you have inside of you. So, mom, make it happen today!

It’s no secret, but I just absolutely adore my boys. I always thought I’d be the girliest of girl-moms had I been blessed with a daughter or two, but being a boy mom has totally changed my life and how I view motherhood.

Their energy, silliness, innocent perspectives on everyday things, and their various needs keep me balanced. And, they, my boys, keep me in check with things I feel I would ordinarily overlook in my own personal development. I’ve noticed that my kids teach me something about myself every day. Though the lessons are many, here are five important ones I’ve been seriously considering lately.

The most important things in life are offline.

Breegan’s life is full of working, delegating or assigning something to assistants (or myself), and managing social media. My kids notice that, and it’s convicting. My boys’ presence has helped me reign in and manage my time in the digital realm. They need constant attention, and that has made me realize how much actual time I spend on my phone and computers.

“Mommy, why are you on the phone?” “Mommy, come play with us!” Some parents may roll their eyes or sigh when they hear those kid statements. But I’m glad I get to hear them. My kids teach me that life on social channels isn’t the part of life that matters most. It puts “real” life in perspective and grounds me in managing my time with the people and things that matter most to me. They remind me that I need to hit the reset button when I get lost in networks and connections outside of them.

There’s power in delegating.

Moms never have enough time in a day, so every moment counts. My kids teach me all the time (mostly through trial and error) that giving my kids responsibilities helps me with multitasking and delegating. In turn, that helps me get things done. From big things to small things, giving them assignments makes them feel important, but it helps me get things done.

As small as it may seem, asking the kids to get their own shoes or help each other put their jackets on cuts precious time tremendously. I can simultaneously prepare snacks, get myself dressed or look for keys that somehow get missing at the most inopportune times. That helps me get things done while they’re getting things done. Plus, it keeps them occupied and makes them feel important because of the job Mommy asked them to do. I get to kill several birds with one stone, so to speak.
I’ve translated this into my various business models, also. As is the case around the home, there are only so many business hours we’re afforded to work. With long to-do lists that seem to get longer by the day, efficiency is always key in any work environment. Delegation helps to get multiple things done and keeps everyone busy and productive.

Food should be fuel (for us, too, parents!)

When I work on preparing meals for the kids, I think healthy and well-balanced first. Thankfully, my kids now gravitate toward fruits and veggies because of that. When I grab something for myself, though, I think quick and easy first. “Healthy” oftentimes goes out the window, if it’s even in my thoughts at all! But really, how is the captain going to run the ship if the first mates have the most energy? My kids teach me through their eating habits that I need to think about the fuel I’m going to need to get through my day with them and throughout various projects that have to get done.

It’s so easy to grab a doughnut and coffee and run into the office, but we would never hand our kids a doughnut and soft drink and wave them off to get on a school bus! I’ve started preparing meals for myself that are worthy of my kids eating them and being healthy. They’re a constant reminder that, if I’m going to have their energy, I’m going to have to take in what I give them.

Individual empathy is important.

I have one son who needs hugs and back rubs at bedtime. The other needs snuggles during movies. They each get Mommy’s love and affection, but in totally different ways and times. I recognize how different their needs for love and affection are, and I cater to those needs individually. Empathy isn’t a one-size-fits-all consideration. When it comes to any important relationship, my kids teach me that we all have different needs, and that’s okay.

Communication is key in making sure those needs are met. My boys express those needs to me, and I do the same to them. I recognize the importance of those differences, but that means nothing if it isn’t communicated. I’ve learned to vocalize my care and concern to them, and to my relationship verbiage overall. I know to ask, “How can I help you?” or “What do you need?” Healthy emotional empathy is rooted in communication, not assumptions.

Never forget to be more childlike.

One look at my Instagram feed will show you that my boys have personality. Goofy, animated, smiley, jokey personalities. In a very natural way, my kids teach me to never lose that within myself. Life progresses, and we all age and grow up. That growing up sometimes sucks the lighthearted parts of life out of us, and understandably so. But thankfully, kids have yet to experience that, so their lives don’t reflect the stresses we adults are used to. I think it’s good to see carefree “hakuna matata” mindsets in them. It’s helped remind me of parts of myself that I lose and oftentimes forget to nurture among the contracts, assignments, bills and worries.

If you could be a fly on the wall in my home at night, you would regularly see me dancing alone with my kids. And yes, you’d probably think I looked like a fool. You would maybe catch me making roaring sounds with a mask on running around the living room. And you know what? I love every minute of it.
My kids teach me to keep things in life light. Life can be playful and spirited, and it should be! I love that my boys will not allow me to let go of that part of myself. It’s built into the human spirit, so don’t YOU let go of it, either. Be silly with your kids. We’re never too cool for that. Play with cars. Make silly sounds. Let loose for the sake of letting loose. You’ll be healthier and happier because of it.

I’m so excited! Next week’s blog will be on my NEW website! I can’t wait to show you the future home of all my mommy and design tips and tricks. I’ll see you there!

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I recently watched this documentary, “(Dis)Honesty: The Truth About Lies.” The film focuses on how and why people lie. Through on-camera confessions and behavioral experiments, scientists and everyday people talk about their motivations behind not telling the truth. I started thinking about myself as a parent and how I relate to my boys regarding what I tell them and what I shield from them. It took me down this crazy rabbit hole of thoughts: when have I lied to my kids? What things did I lie about? What’s okay to lie about? What’s not okay? Is it EVER okay to begin lying to children?

As I mentally debated the topic with myself, I found myself torn. My parents always believed in telling me the truth. To be fair, though, I didn’t make it easy for them to not tell me what I wanted to know. As a child I was a constant questioner and not easily satisfied by a simple, fake answer. I would challenge my parents over and over until the topic or answer made sense to me. I sort of wore my mom down and forced her to parent in a specific way because a little brush-off answer didn’t work for me; it only made me more curious. I kept asking until she finally told me what I wanted to know — in a kid version, of course. (I think I actually got in trouble for telling people where babies came from!)

Being a parent of kids who aren’t anywhere near double digits, I find fudging the truth to oftentimes be the more palatable option for certain situations. More often than not, I’m the parent who will say, “we don’t have any ice cream,” over the truth, which, frankly, is, “we have ice cream, but you can’t have it.” Or, there are times when it comes to toys and I use what I call “imaginary talk.” Instead of telling my son he can’t play with his toys at inopportune times, I’ll maybe say, “You can’t play with your toys right now because they need to take a nap.” Is that considered lying to my children? Technically, I guess it is. But not really. Maybe.

I think it’s okay to tone down the world to their level until they grow into more mature learning and understanding. When I think about what I say to them, I think more in terms of altering circumstances to a G- or PG-rated understanding. If that’s what you’re doing as a parent, I think that’s fine. I believe it’s your job to put the world in a four-year-old paradigm for your toddler. That may mean shielding a mystery over here or watering down adult details over there, and so on. Still, there may be some untruth-telling in that.

As parents, we’re all going to have to choose our battles regarding the hard truths we tell versus lying to children. And let’s face it: we’re all going to lie to our kids at some point. If your prepubescent child walks in on you and hubby enjoying physical “quality time,” is that the right time to be honest and say, “Daddy and I are having sex, honey”? Mmm…I doubt it. There are other hard topics that will come up as my boys age. Will I be honest about some of my life experiences and lessons I learned the hard way? At this point, I really don’t know. My kids aren’t there, and neither am I. It may sound like a cop-out to say I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it, but that’s all I have for now.

I’ve also been asked how I am going to handle the truth about my divorce if my boys start to ask questions in the coming years. If I could have my way, that subject would remain an uncovered truth until they’re at least 18. Realistically, though, much of how I handle that will be determined by professional family and marriage counsel mutually agreed upon by my ex-husband and myself. What I’m choosing to do right now as a parent is treat “truth” as a flashlight, shining it where I feel it’s best needed and not shining it in other places — like any potentially negative aspects of divorce.

I firmly believe our children need certain foundations to feel secure in their families and in the world. They need to see their parents get along, even if there’s an undercurrent that has nothing to do with them. They need to hear their parents compliment each other, regardless if feelings are a little more raw than what kids should know (or probably understand). I don’t necessarily believe those are lies. They’re simply what’s needed for the time.

I don’t profess to have the whole “lying to children” topic fully figured out. All I know is that my kids are just that: kids. They’re still growing, developing, and becoming people. Until they can see with their own eyes of maturity, I believe it’s up to me to guide them toward good decision-making and understanding. Later on in life, that may mean helping them deal with some harder truths of life. For now, though, my truth is their truth, and I think I’m good with that.

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I would REALLY love to know how you handle telling the truth to your kids. How do you determine what you tell, when you tell it, and how much of it to tell? Share your thoughts in the comments below!